Do You Want to Stop Being Poor for a Few Hours? Visit Utica Square

TULSA, OK — Tired of your paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle? Want to experience what it feels like to casually exist in a world where generational wealth is the norm and salad costs $19? Look no further than Utica Square—Tulsa’s most scenic, most judgmental outdoor shopping center.

For a few glorious hours (or 30 minutes, depending on your lunch break), you too can cosplay as someone whose family owns land, oil, and a horse named “Tax Write-Off.”

Step One: Dress the Part

But first—you’ll need the right outfit.

Don’t overdo it. The key is thrift-store boho chic. Think: wrinkled linen, vaguely artsy patterns, and at least one accessory that screams, “My dad’s a lawyer but I protest banks.” Rich people love looking poor, and poor people trying to look rich can slip under their radar if they get the formula right.

Remember: When a real poor person and a fake poor person make eye contact at Utica, they often camouflage.

Parking Strategy: Hide the Evidence

You cannot park close. Everyone will see your 2014 Nissan Altima with the cracked bumper and faded Bernie sticker.

Park far—like across from the hospital, far—and walk in like you were dropped off by a discreet driver named Charles.

The Mission: Blend In

Go to Starbucks. Sit outside. Order something with too many words, like a venti iced blonde vanilla oat milk shaken espresso with light foam and spiritual detachment.

Take out your laptop (even if it doesn’t work) and stare off into the distance like you’re pondering a hedge fund merger. Or if you’re a parent, pretend you’re choosing between Montessori and Waldorf even though your kid’s still in diapers and you’re paying off medical debt from 2017.

Time Check: Reality Creeps Back

You’ve got 40 minutes left of this fantasy. No, wait—27. You took too long faking a phone call outside Sur La Table.

Final Tip: Know Your Limits

Avoid eye contact with anyone walking a goldendoodle in a sweater. They will sense your aura and ask what neighborhood you’re from. The answer is never “11th and Garnett.” Ever.

So if you’re broke, disillusioned, and in need of a temporary class delusion… Utica Square is waiting.

Just don’t forget to validate your parking—oh wait, they don’t do that here.