OKLAHOMA CITY — In a proud step forward for Oklahoma science and selective perception, state researchers have unveiled the first-ever MAGA vaccine, a powerful injection that promises lifelong immunity to facts, empathy, and anything real.
Developed in a top-secret lab beneath the Norman Cracker Barrel, the vaccine — dubbed Freedom Juice — is being hailed as a “spiritual breakthrough” by local officials and “a public health crisis” by literally everyone else.
“We used only time-tested ingredients,” said lead scientist Buckley ‘Booger’ Watkins, gripping a test tube filled with glitter and gun oil.
“Eagle feather powder, Monster Energy extract, and the blessed ashes of burned COVID masks.”
Just one dose, Watkins claims, causes test subjects to lose all fear of pronouns and start defending billionaires in Facebook comment sections.
Side Effects Include Misogyny and Disappointment
Though touted as safe and patriotic, the vaccine does come with a few unavoidable side effects:
- Unreasonable expectations for your children, especially sons
- Spontaneous misogyny, including suspicion toward female cashiers
- Chronic manxplaining, especially when asked not to
“It’s like my body just started emitting opinions,” said one test subject.
“I told a woman how to reverse-park. We were at a funeral.”
Available Now at Bass Pro and County Fairs
Freedom Juice is already being distributed statewide at:
- Bass Pro Shops
- County fairs
- Select booths outside Golden Corrals
Officials say the vaccine is expected to receive full approval from the Oklahoma Department of Vibes and Patriotism next week. In the meantime, early adopters are mixing it into ranch dressing, motor oil, and church potlucks.
“We believe this is a turning point in American medicine,” Watkins said.
“Finally, a cure for thinking too hard.”
