WASHINGTON, D.C. —
In a stunning blow to billionaire bromance enthusiasts nationwide, President Donald Trump and Elon Musk have officially announced their breakup. The once-fiery duo — best known for launching Dogecoin and defunding empathy — have parted ways amid jealousy, betrayal, and a flower-related scandal.
“He gave Melania flowers,” Musk said tearfully at a press conference outside a Buc-ee’s.
“He never gave me flowers. What does she have that I don’t? I thought we had something special.”
Sources close to the couple say the final straw came when Musk caught Trump using Truth Social to DM Jeff Bezos.
“I just thought we were exclusive,” Musk sobbed during a livestream of his Tesla flamethrower giveaway.
“He said I was his favorite billionaire. We were supposed to colonize Mars together. I still have the blueprints for our Martian wedding chapel.”
In a move described by aides as “emotionally catastrophic,” Trump handed Musk an oversized novelty key to the White House at the press conference.
“It doesn’t open anything,” Trump said. “But neither did our relationship.”
DOGE Now in Crisis
With Musk stepping down from his role at DOGE — the Defunding Outreach & Government Essentials initiative — the future of the crypto-funded chaos machine is in question. The once-promising project aimed to replace federal programs with memes, AI-generated flags, and quarterly vape drops.
“They were such a great team,” said James Lee, a local MAGA enthusiast and aspiring financial advisor.
“They worked so well together to get rid of government programs to help women and poor people.
Don’t get me wrong — being gay is a sin, but I think God would let this one slide.”
Trump, as usual, has shown no signs of slowing down.
“I like Elon,” he told reporters. “But I like winners more. Bezos has rockets that land, okay?”
GOP in Mourning
The conservative base has taken the split hard.
“This is worse than when Chick-fil-A stopped using peanut oil,” said Bartley Reece, a Broken Arrow patriot and full-time Walmart greeter.
“If these two can’t make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?”
Meanwhile, evangelicals across Oklahoma gathered in parking lots to hold emergency prayer circles for “our most powerful couple since Ronald Reagan and God.”
Elon’s Rebound?
Despite heartbreak, Musk appears to be moving on quickly.
“I’m thinking of dating America’s next greatest disruptor,” he said cryptically while scrolling Ron DeSantis memes.
He also reportedly sent Joe Rogan a DM reading:
“Hey. You up? 🚀💔”
