TULSA, OK —
Tired of your paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle? Want to experience what it feels like to casually exist in a world where generational wealth is the norm and salad costs $19? Look no further than Utica Square — Tulsa’s most scenic, most judgmental outdoor shopping center.
For a few glorious hours (or 30 minutes, depending on your lunch break), you too can cosplay as someone whose family owns land, oil, and a horse named “Tax Write-Off.”
The Outfit
- Don’t overdo it. The key is thrift-store boho chic. Think: wrinkled linen, vaguely artsy patterns, and at least one accessory that screams, “My dad’s a lawyer but I protest banks.”
- Rich people love looking poor, and poor people trying to look rich can slip under their radar—if they get the formula right.
- Pro tip: When a real poor person and a fake poor person make eye contact at Utica, they often camouflage.
Parking Strategy
- You cannot park close. Everyone will see your 2014 Nissan Altima with the cracked bumper and faded Bernie sticker.
- Park far—like across from the hospital, far—and walk in like you were dropped off by a discreet driver named Charles.
The Mission
- Go to Starbucks. Sit outside.
- Order something with too many words, like a venti iced blonde vanilla oat milk shaken espresso with light foam and spiritual detachment.
- Take out your laptop (even if it doesn’t work) and stare off into the distance like you’re pondering a hedge fund merger.
- Or, if you’re a parent, pretend you’re choosing between Montessori and Waldorf—even though your kid’s still in diapers and you’re paying off medical debt from 2017.
Time Check
- You’ve got 40 minutes left of this fantasy. No, wait—27.
- You took too long faking a phone call outside Sur La Table.
Final Tip
Avoid eye contact with anyone walking a goldendoodle in a sweater. They will sense your aura and ask what neighborhood you’re from. The answer is never “11th and Garnett.” Ever.
So if you’re broke, disillusioned, and in need of a temporary class delusion… Utica Square is waiting.
Just don’t forget to validate your parking—oh wait, they don’t do that here.
