Every couple of decades, a hero rises to rescue the soul of the nation.
This time, it only took 25 years.
The Republican Party hasn’t produced a true defender of childhood literacy since George W. Bush graced the public with this enduring message on January 11, 2000:
“Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning? You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”
Since that pivotal moment, Oklahoma has steadily fallen behind in the national literacy race. But now, experts at The Oklahoma Gaslight predict a renaissance — thanks to a single, bold inquiry from Senator Markwayne Mullin:
“What was we ranked in 1979?”
The quote sent shockwaves through the educational community. One eyewitness claimed their five-year-old immediately picked up the Bible and began reading. It wasn’t assigned. It wasn’t suggested. It was simply inspired.
Mullin represents a new wave of working-class intellectualism — the kind that doesn’t rely on liberal-arts nonsense like verb conjugation or proper syntax. As the Senator has made clear, real men are too busy inheriting businesses and negotiating deals with city officials to bother with sentence structure.
His recent public exchange has been hailed by conservative strategists as a landmark moment in rhetorical dominance.
“That’s master debating,” one anonymous source told The Gaslight.
“Not everyone will understand it. And that’s the point.”
To serve in public office today, one must not only be bold but unreadable — skilled in psychological warfare and fluent in the language of American confidence. Mullin’s approach embodies what some are calling grit-based literacy: if you speak with enough conviction, grammar becomes a luxury.
Oklahoma, once ranked 49th in education, is expected to climb at least 10 spots in the coming year — not due to policy reform or curriculum development, but through the sheer gravitational pull of Markwayne Mullin’s intellectual energy.
According to The Gaslight’s Department of Educational Prophecy, this is the Mullin Effect — a surge of patriotic intelligence that flows not from books, but from the divine authority of unfiltered speech.
If your child didn’t feel something after that quote, it might be time to consider the possibility that they’re just not cut out for greatness.
Thoughts and prayers.
Stay tuned for more academic breakthroughs as the MOLA movement continues to spread.
